pain, the body, motions of awareness, love in a committed relationship
From blindness, to struggle, to acceptance
It is beautiful to hear people feeling into the inevitable processes surrounding our growth. These process are always confusing, but fortunately they follow certain patterns. As we get to know these patterns our emphasis shifts, from solving problems, to being interested in the processes, and our ability to move through obstacles becomes easier. These same processes will play out, again and again, revealing more and more of our ignorance, each time at deeper levels.
1. ignorance phase
At this point we simply don't know we are stuck. We are firmly embedded in an unconscious belief, where things have been this for a while and we are simply not aware that other options exist. We are only just starting to notice something unsatisfying about the situation, perhaps our relationship to something is becoming boring, or irritating.
2. struggle phase
Now we recognise that we are dissatisfied with a situation. We become aware that perhaps there are options, though we don't know what they are, or how to do them. At the bottom line of this equation is fear of feeling, though we may will not be aware of it. Even if we are aware of it at the mind level, we are not able to feel right to its core. So there is a smokescreen of duality playing out above it. This manifests as fear/stuckness on one side of equation, and anger or shame on the other. For example, we realise that we don't stand up for ourselves in a certain situation. We feel the fear, and if we compromise ourselves, we are angry at another, or ashamed of ourselves. Or it can be in meditation, for no mental reason at all, as our awareness reaches into our body, we encounter feeling blocks where there is fear. If we shy from the fear, then we will feel trapped - subtly bored of existing at this static level, or we try to push through in frustration.
We now begin bouncing from the fear side, to the anger/boredom/shame side, and the feelings become more intense. We are being boiled, the pressure is building, and all we can do is keep returning to our heart, agreeing to be as honest as possible with each round of feelings.
Eventually, we become tired of the struggle, the options for us become so limited, that we simply See and Feel the Truth that we did not, would not, see before. It can be in the form of an obvious trauma, a repressed memory, or simply some part of our ability to feel emotions that is reclaimed. There is both grief and relief appearing as one, as we reunite with a repressed part of ourselves. Relief and Joy that we can stop holding or pretending, and grief that we lose a part of our acquired personality. And as soon as this process is played out, we will find our Being hungry to uncover more Ignorance.
As we go through more and more of these cycles, around psychological traumas, around spiritual realisations, into our body and heart, we gain more and more trust of this process and its ongoing nature. With more trust - we learn that we don't need to rush these cycles of growth, or hide from them. We give up the idea that one day we will be perfect, or good enough, *and then* we can stop, or *then* we can then start to live how we want. We start to manage our growth in a way which is harmonious to our lives, rather than escapist or destructive. When it's time to go deep, going deep happens. When it's time to rest and have ice cream, rest is allowed.
Video: Spaciousness of Being
Video: Roles and Responsibilities, Boundaries
Response to a question on the blog last week from Grace.
Music: Clogs, "Last Song"
Feedback and comments
I rely completely on you guys for all the material and quality of the course, so if there are any questions or suggestions, write here, or on email. Much love and gratitude to all of you. Highlight of my week. Anthony
Honesty... Humility... Trust...
Honesty to know that we are trapped. That we are frail, that we compromise ourselves. And that we know we want better. Honesty to see we are afraid of how others perceive us. Honesty to feel that beneath our front, there is so much desire, so much childlike wanting.
Humility to admit that our fix-it-quick schemes will only provide temporary relief. Humility that we are here to serve Nature's plans, not our own.
Trust, that we have all the knowledge and power necessary within us. Trust that there is no teaching that we are missing, no magic pill out there somewhere. Trust that as we stop struggling and striving, and start to listen, that we will begin to fall into place. Trust, as we start to feel exposed, that we are falling into deeper levels of vulnerability and power. Trust that the breaking of our hearts is necessary for us to truly fall in love with our lives.
When we meditate, we are simply offering ourselves back to the Universe. Sitting with the commitment to allow everything to happen to us, however it wants to happen. Not how we imagined it happening. This might seem defeatist, but for us to come into real lasting change, that change has to come from outside of all our usual ways of problem solving. It must come from a deeper level of accuracy and feeling. Meditation doesn't fix us, it just makes us painfully aware of where our thoughts or actions are not coherent with our emotional truth.
It is natural that as we stop trying to manipulate the world, or to solve problems using thoughts, that our mind will fall back into the space of the body. First the physical body, heavy, breathing, tense, aching, pulsing. Then, the subtler emotional body, as we fall back into the honesty of our desires. Again and again, we fall, through confusion, through frustration, falling into the heart, falling back into our own vulnerability and landing in our own silent knowing.
“The most confused you will ever get is when you try to convince your heart and spirit of something your mind knows is a lie.”
Shannon L. Alder
This course is as much a learning for me as you guys. All your feedback is really appreciated, from the practical, to the format of the sessions, to the more subtle ways in which being online affects this kind of work. Next week we will have better sound quality and hopefully the session will be recorded so you can listen to the meditations again, or catch up.
Some things which will surely come up in the next sessions, any suggestions or feedback welcome:
- Investigating the 3 facets of Being: Space, Boundless Love, the Energy body
- Dealing with physical pain
- Manifesting: creating a life in harmony with your creative power and individuality
- Relationship: Romance and love as a practice of heart surrender
If you have any questions, comments or feedback, you can leave them here, or send me an email.
Feeling a lot gratitude to all of you for the opportunity to unfold in this way with you.